One safety issue, two options: Advice for families facing a cluttered relative's home
A family asks whether to intervene in a sibling's disordered home, and the column advises distinguishing between urgent hazards and general discomfort.
By Layla Richardson ·
Family dynamics often complicate conversations about living conditions, particularly when children are involved and mental health is a factor.
In a recent column, writer R. Eric Thomas addressed a reader who described her youngest sibling's home as being in a state of unsafe disarray.
The reader, the oldest of three, explained that her middle sibling recently raised alarms to their parents about the conditions. The home has always been cluttered, but the mess has reportedly grown to a point of concern. The youngest sibling works full time and handles cooking, while their spouse, a stay-at-home parent, struggles with mental health issues.
The family is described as deeply non-confrontational and private. The middle sibling is hesitant to speak directly to the youngest for fear of defensiveness. The family worries about the safety of the children and the in-law's mental health, as well as the potential strain on their limited family time.
Thomas advised the family to separate the issue into two distinct components. If the clutter creates an unsafe condition that endangers the children, the middle sibling must speak with the parents.
He suggested using specific language that offers a solution rather than just criticism. For example, a sibling could say, 'I noticed that there are boxes blocking the back door and that's a safety hazard. Can I help you move those to a closet so it doesn't endanger your kids or any emergency personnel that might need to get into the home?' Thomas stated that while the youngest sibling might become defensive, the safety of the children has to supersede everything else.
If the concerns are about quality of life rather than immediate safety, Thomas recommended gifting the family sessions with a housekeeper or a consultation with a home organizer. This approach removes a barrier to help while respecting that the home belongs to the couple. Regarding the in-law's mental health, he advised the family to ask 'how can I help?' and be prepared with concrete suggestions. The family should remain available to relieve burdens without taking control of how the couple runs their home.
